Tag: path to happiness

When Can I Be Happy?

In a lecture on vulnerability, Brene Brown discusses our tendency to be afraid of experiencing joy in our lives. She said, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. I have never come across an emotion or affect [in my research] that is as difficult to feel as joy. Joy is probably the most vulnerable feeling or emotion that we experience. We are afraid to soften into it or lean fully into it because we are waiting… for the other the other shoe to drop” (clip from The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage).

In my experience as a clinician, I have seen this within myself and my clients. I truly believe that one of the biggest risks for mental health problems is when we refuse to find happiness in our present realities and relationships. Many of us often spend more time with our own fantasies than we do with the people who we claim to be the most important to us. We start to live our lives with what I like to call the “if/then factor.” We say to ourselves, “If I had more money, then I will be happy” or “If I had a different partner or a different relationship, then I could be happy.” We can do this for years never truly experiencing what it means to be happy or find joy in our lives. We long for the day when we can truly have joy. Then we compare our lives to those around us making assumptions that our “friends” have the happiness we seek. What many of us seem to forget in those moments is that our “friends” are most likely doing the same things to us in return. Many of us can’t see this because of our natural struggle as human beings to see the good in our present circumstances, whilst at the same time requiring little effort for us and others to see good in the lives of those around us.

Whether it’s waiting for the time when we can get married to the perfect person… or when we can have our first child… or when we can get our first house… or find our perfect career… the years start to pass by and the things that really matter to us in the end becomes neglected. The problem is that those things which bring us the most joy are often the things we are afraid of the most. Unfortunately, the relationships that we fear the most are the ones we come home to every day.

My challenge to those seeking joy in their lives is to start today with accepting the lot you have been given and chosen in life. Stay out of fantasy! Put down your cell phone or Ipad for the night and spend time with those you care about the most. Enjoy your time with them without thinking about your worries or fears of what’s to come your way. Don’t fret… I’m sure your worries and concerns will be there tomorrow when you wake up😉…

7 Things Happy People Do Every Day

We are all seeking for something in life. Some people seek after riches and success. Some people seek after love and relationships. Despite the differences in what we seek as human beings, we all have one goal…. Happiness. Everything we do is centered on trying to be happy. I am not telling you anything that you don’t already know. However, after meeting with many clients who essentially say the same thing, “I just want to be happy,” I have observed seven things that happy people have in common and practice every day.

1) They don’t dwell on the negative

There are many things in life that we can see as a hole that needs to be filled, fixed, or covered up, but what if we could learn to be okay with having some holes here and there in our life. If you want to be miserable all the time, just remind yourself of all the problems you do have and all the things you don’t have. We all have problems we wish weren’t there and things we wish we had, but it’s not healthy for us to constantly dwell on them and the negative aspects of our lives. Happy people don’t avoid problems, they just learn to see the glass half full. They learn to practice gratitude for the things that they have in the center of life’s storms. Unhappy people avoid life storms as they would the plague and see them as a personal flaw. Happy people understand that there will always be storms wherever we go in life. They learn to look at the gifts that weaknesses or problems can give them by seeing an opportunity for growth and development as a person and not seeing themselves as a failure or innately flawed and one who belongs in the “exceptions to the rules” pile. Happy people don’t dwell on their problems or long for the things they don’t have. 

2) They understand the value of pain and emotion

Our society teaches us that emotion or pain is weakness. We learn over time that if we experience pain or emotion then it means that something is wrong with us. We do this so well that it is often unconscious. Happy people learn that pain is a part of life, and emotion is a part of being human. They learn to accept the feelings and emotions that they have and manage them in a healthy way through self-acceptence and connection. Unhappy people use addictions, distractions, or isolation as a way to cover up what they are feeling. Unfortunately, it brings more unhappiness and the cycle just repeats itself. Happy people understand the value of pain and emotion. 

3) They understand the importance of human connection

We weren’t meant to handle life’s problems on our own. We are hard-wired as human beings to connect whether we like it or not. Happy people understand the value of connection and leaning on people for strength and support. Leaning on people is not the only essential part of connection though. Giving and serving is just as important in fostering our connection with others. We feel a sense of value when we are trusted by others and are able to step outside of ourselves to think of their needs. Happy people understand the value of human connection by leaning and serving others. 

4) They learn to surrender

Just as human connection is essential to our happiness, so is a connection with a higher power. We not only need to lean on people for strength and support, we also need to lean on God. Regardless of what or who they call this higher power, happy people learn to stop leaning on their own strength to accomplish the things they need to and learn to surrender to God for power and strength to live the life they are seeking. This process can be liberating for us if we can learn to trust that this higher power will have our backs. Many unhappy people fail to do this because they feel that they need to prove something to themselves and others that they are not weak. They want to believe that they can defeat their personal demons with just sheer will power. However, as Hermann Hesse says, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Happy people don’t feel they need to prove themselves and learn to surrender to a higher power for strength. 

5) They have a purpose in life

Happy people don’t live from day to day just seeing life as a bunch of responsibilities or problems that they need to take care of. They find a purpose and meaning in life. They see their priorities as areas of personal fulfillment. Work is not just work or parenthood is not just parenthood for happy people. They feel that they have something special to offer others in their career or as a parent. It gives them a sense of purpose and fulfillment. They see their personal value in their responsibilities. They also regularly engage in activities that further develop their sense of value. This might be activities or personal hobbies that can further their sense of creativity and learning such as cooking, arts and crafts, or education. Happy people live their lives with purpose and meaning. 

6) They embrace vulnerability and change every day

Facing our problems and embracing vulnerability can be difficult and quite exhausting. It can be easier to stay stagnant in life and spend our days in our comfort zones. We feel safe here. However, living life without consistent growth and change will make us miserable. Happy people understand that personal growth and change can only happen by embracing vulnerability with themselves and others and taking accountability for their actions. They don’t stay in their comfort zones. They face their problems with courage and faith. They recognize the misery that comes in being stagnant on a daily basis. They know when to work, and they know when to play. Happy people make a decision to change every day through vulnerability and accountability. 

7) They forgive themselves and others

No matter how hard we try to live a perfect life we will always fall short. We end up making mistakes that hurt ourselves and others. We might not always be forgiven by the people we hurt…. but we can forgive ourselves, and we can forgive the people that hurt us. Happy people are able to have compassion on themselves for the mistakes that they make. They are also able to let go of the mistakes made by other people. They recognize that they sometimes have to bring up the past in order to learn to let it go and live in the present. Forgiveness to oneself and others is essential to moving on from past shame, hurts, and pains. Unhappy people carry the shame of their mistakes and the pains caused by others on their shoulders. They mistakenly think that they can leave the past in the past and not have to address those pains or feelings of shame. As they attempt to cover up their pains, the pains will follow them. It follows them into every relationship and gets repeated over and over again until they are ready to face what they are carrying. Happy people are able to face the shame of their mistakes and pains caused by other people. As they face these feelings, they forgive themselves and others and unloose the burdens of the past they have carried with them. Happy people forgive themselves and others by resolving the mistakes and pains of the past. 

The Three Pillars of Happiness

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photo_6953_20080816I have learned through my work with clients and in my own personal life that there are three pillars or foundations that I think are necessary for overcoming any trial (e.g. addiction, individual trauma, life stressors) and obtaining peace and happiness. These pillars are: The Emotional Pillar, The Spiritual Pillar, and The Choice Pillar.

1) The Emotional Pillar

Often times, we underestimate the emotional side to our problems. We live in a society that teaches us that emotions or feelings are trivial or unimportant. We focus much of our efforts in overcoming and getting rid of the feelings that we don’t like rather than trying to understand them. We hope that through the passage of time, our problems will work itself out. We tell ourselves, “I just need time.” In fact, what we are really saying is, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore so I just need some time to numb my pain and distract myself with other things.” Addicts of all kinds do this on a regular basis, and they are often completely unaware that the constant porn use, or the “just a little more television, then I will go to bed,” or the constant need to find something to eat even though they are not even hungry is most often the result of not properly managing and dealing with emotional needs. Many of us are not sure how to deal with what we are feeling without making matters worse. This is why therapy can be important. Sometimes we were never taught how to deal and manage our emotional turmoil. That’s why it’s okay to get help.

2) The Spiritual Pillar

I firmly believe that spirituality is an important foundation for happiness. However, I think that many of us often mistake religiosity for spirituality. They are actually quite different. We can go to church and show our worship for a Higher Power but still feel completely disconnected to that Higher Power. Each of us needs a connection to something more powerful than ourselves; a personal and intimate connection. Someone that we feel will lead and guide us in our lives and onto a better and happier path. We need to feel that something or someone is out there looking over us and has a plan for us. Gaining a greater spiritual connection with our Higher Power can greatly increase our individual self-worth and give us the motivation to live the life we need to be happy.

3) The Choice Pillar

I have been racking my brain on what to call this pillar. I think the choice pillar has a mixture of our individual behaviors to obtain the happiness we seek, the work we need to do for ourselves and others, and how our thoughts often determine our actions and the importance of changing them. I have realized that it all comes down to “choice.” Many of us frequently feel that we are stuck in our lives and that no matter what decision we make, it is a dead end. We can also feel at times that we are bound to certain behaviors or actions and that we cannot control them no matter what we do. This is really a hopeless place, isn’t it? It is also a lie we often tell ourselves because sometimes it is easier to give up then to keep trying and always failing. Then we start to wrestle with ourselves. A part of us knows we can do better, but the other part is telling us that we can’t. This is when it really gets frustrating. However, we should never loose sight that no matter what battles occur within ourselves that we always have the choice to do something different then what we are presently doing. Even if it is impossible to believe that we can’t envision our life without porn, television, food, etc., we can choose to make a step in the right direction. Even if it is just a small step. However, often times, we expect more of ourselves than just small steps and then if we can’t live up to our high expectations then we tell ourselves that we might as well not do it at all. I see this all the time with people setting individual goals. I once set a goal to read a chapter in my scriptures everyday. I lasted a week and then gave up. Later, a wise person said to me, “If you start with a chapter you will never meet your goal! That’s like saying that my goal is to run a marathon by next week, but I have never actually ran a day in my life. Why don’t you just start with a verse a day and go from there?” It was great advice. Since then, I have rarely missed a day. Don’t set your goals too high. Start small and work from there.

Often times, we might focus on just one of the pillars and neglect the other two feeling that we don’t need them. This often ends with failure to overcome our difficulties and can lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness. I see this with porn addicts all the time. Many of them feel that if they have faith in God, pray hard enough, and do all the work necessary to keep them from acting out (Pillars 1 and 3) then they can overcome their problem. Sometimes it works too. However, what usually happens next is because they neglect their Emotional Pillar, they find themselves starting new addictions (e.g. video games, television, food).

For myself, every time I face a problem I will ask myself about these three pillars and which of the three pillars I might be neglecting that is influencing my dilemma. First, “How am I emotionally with this issue?” or “What is happening with me on an emotional level that might be contributing to this issue?” I then ask, “How is my relationship with my Higher Power? Am I feeling distant?” Lastly I will ask, “What is my part in this? What can I do to get through this and on to the path I want to be on?”

I believe that if we focus on all three of these pillars to overcome our problems, we can gain the happiness and peace we really look for and let go of the chains and baggage that we so desperately seek to let go.